love never loved me

You can't break a heart that's already broken

You can't steal a heart that's already stolen

My greatest desire is to love and be loved

Cos I'm a believer I'm not giving up

And what doesn't kill me is making me strong

I'm waiting, I'm willing, I'm ready for love

if we ever meet again

Today I lost somebody.

He just left abruptly and I didn't say anything. I don't feel anything. I just feel numb.

Is it wrong to have loved somebody all your life and then find yourself falling out of love with that person? Is it wrong for that intense love to turn into hate? I don't know.

All I know is, I feel numb.

I hope to see him again. I really do. Cos I cannot imagine my life without him.

But this is life. And it will go on.

I'll love him always. Even though I've never said it.

three

Have you ever fucked two best friends without realizing they were best friends and without them even knowing that they've both slept with the same guy?

Let me elaborate.

About a month ago, I hooked up with this guy from work, Momma'sBoy. It was a definite casual thing. We both agreed that we saw each other solely as a piece of meat and nothing more. And it was fun. Except for the fact that Momma'sBoy had a thing for getting his toes suck. And not his big toe mind you. His little toes. Now let me state here that I don't suck toes. PERIOD. But this guy was literally begging me to do it. He even claimed that he can not cum without having his toes sucked. So there I was, him on his back, me straddling him, his legs up in the air and his feet/toes just about in front of me and I realized it was the moment of truth. Okay, to his defense, he had good feet. Almost as good as mine. They were nicely pedicured and his skin was definitely healthy looking with no dryness or calluses. But I just could not do it. Instead, it held on to his toes. I grasped his feet like one who normally grasp someone's hand. My fingers interlaced with his toes. And to my amazement, it did the job, it drove him to kingdom come :)

Okay..

A few days ago, I met up with his guy whom a mutual friend, BrownBanana said was definitely my kinda guy. And I'm like okay sure. So I met MrGreenEyed and we went for dinner and ended up at his place, naked. It was kind of a one sided thing, cos I was not interested in him in a sexual way but since I was horny, I thought why not. But MrGreenEyed seemed to be having the time of his life ;)

And yesterday, I discovered from BrownBanana that MrGreenEyed and Momma'sBoy have been best of friends for the past 5 or 6 years. They both met at a previous company and have been buddies since. And I'm like.. O. M. G.

And I'm thinking to myself, have they exchanged notes? Have they both decided that I'm a God damn son of a bitch since I never called them after that? I hate it when my past conquests have connections to each other. Maybe I should learn to get over that.

But what really intrigues me is this.. Cos I'm pretty certain they're not the kiss and tell types. So i'm sure they haven't told each other about me. And it's kind of funny. You and your best friend have slept with the same guy but you just don't know it.

Life is never dull ;)

straight thru my heart

Today I dropped my laptop.

I don't know how it happened or why it happened but it happened. One minute it was on the table, the next minute it was on the floor. And I swear to you, time stood still for at least two minutes. Nothing moved, no sound was heard anywhere, time literally stood still as I stood there looking at my poor poor baby on the cold hard marble floor.

Thank God, my baby is still in good working condition. Thank God, thank my lucky stars and thank all the angels in the world.

Not sure what I would do if I lost this baby. Probably go mad and go on another shopping spree.

walking on sunshine

Have you ever had one of those days that everything anyone does or doesn't do just irritates you? I don't know what gets me into these moods but I hate it cos it makes me become such a bitter person. And my total shiny outlook on life becomes this dark negative energy that just vibes onto everyone around me.

For instance, I passed this lady on the way to the post office yesterday and out of the blue she just smiles at me. Normally, I'd smile back but this time I just scowled at her. I thought to myself, what's her problem? Does she have some disorder that makes her want to smile to everyone she passes by. And then I passed another lady who didn't smile at me and I thought to myself 'what's that bitch's problem?' Would it kill her to smile?

Do you see the problem?

It's worst if I'm at work cos I'll run into SO MANY people and it is such a challenge holding my mouth shut and keeping my thoughts to myself. And as we all know, I rarely keep my thoughts to myself ;)

But I do know what instantly puts me into a good mood. Retail therapy. Always. Anywhere. Anytime.

And boy did I get alot of therapy yesterday! Spent a small fortune on books, a bag, toiletries, clothes and of course dinner ;)

Went to bed feeling on top of the world.

meet me halfway

It is utterly hard for me to believe that it is already the middle of January of 2010. I can still remember it being New Year's Day! Looking back at 2009, I realized I've accomplished alot and failed to accomplish a few things.

2009 was a year of super-indulgence for me. I gained so much weight, I did not color my hair (not even a patch of it), drank like a fish, kissed like a fool and spend money like it was confetti!

Am more than determined to get my life and myself back into control this year. Am gonna begin with a whole new lifestyle (truth be told, I've had a few false starts already), am gonna make myself save more money and am gonna make myself enjoy the simpler things in life.

In 2009, I learned that I am capable of tears. And that I am capable of having mental breakdowns. A very close friend lost his mum in 2009 and it broke my heart to see him so shattered. And it broke me down and made me become somebody I never knew I could become.

Another close friend got married and I got to play the best man to her wedding (my fourth role as best man). I remember being utterly nervous when I had to make my speech. I was practically shaking. But a few glasses of wine soon calmed me down.

In 2009, I finally stepped foot in Phuket with my soulmates and had a whirlwind tour of the beach paradise. I also made a return trip to Bali with a bunch of fabulous people and we rocked Bali to her knees!

One of my biggest dreams came true in 2009, I BUNGY JUMPED!! Flew right off and screamed all the way down!!! Amazingly mental! I remember thinking to myself, why oh why was I doing this, but life's too short to ponder on the questions. And off I went ;) I also crossed white water rafting off my to do list. And who can forget paint-ball with my cousins! Never again ;p

Two of the most extravagant buys of 2009 were my iPhone and my SonyVaio laptop. Both bought in the same month killing the economy of my life in a single unfolding of my wallet. But I have no regrets and both devices have brought me so much pleasure and fun.

My birthday in 2009 was celebrated with such madness of insanity that those who attended it are still talking about it until today ;) And I'll never forget the hangover of that night for as long as I'll live.

In 2009, I also got to see my goddess perform LIVE in front of me thanks to a very dear friend of mine who lives in Melbourne. I had goosebumps through-out the concert and told myself that life will never be the same for me.

And in 2009, I got to see, smell and feel LONDON. A life-long dream come true. I remember, as I was driving thru London, i got teary eyed looking at all the places that I've only read and dreamed about. Aaaahh..

2009 was a good year. But it's now time to officially close that chapter and welcome a whole new chapter. Am looking forward to this year. I'm gonna rediscover the person I was and take up new challenges. I'm determined to make the best of what is given to me. And I think everyone should too.

Happy New Year!

p/s: The pic above is a collage of all the wonderful events that took place in 2009.

three words

It was those three words that saved my life..

twelve days of christmas

Christmas this year has been an amazing blast. Had so much fun preparing for it. With all the anticipation and the Christmas carols and the cakes and the cookies. Amazingly this year, we actually managed to do alot of things well in advance instead of everything at the last minute. This is the one time of the year where my entire family actually cleans house TOGETHER. Shall not elaborate on that ;)

Christmas Day itself went by smoothly and lovingly. I was graced with the love of so many beautiful people who came by and shared the glory of the magical day.

I don't wanna sound materialistic but let's face it, we all know I am so here is my list of the gifts that I received this Christmas! And believe it or not, Santa has been very nice to me this year. My gifts ROCK!

Gift from my parents.. I think I've been hinting about this one too much cos..

Here's another Monopoly! But different version. No complaints from me, cos I LOVE Monopoly!

Gift from my sister. I am crazy about all things Peanuts and for her to give me this just touched my heart.

Gifts from my bunnies ;) Foot scrub, hair/body wash and hand lotion. Gonna be squeaky clean after this. The best part, it's all easy to carry around!

Guess what this is. It's a vibrator!!! How damn cute is that?! Hahahaha!!

Gift from my dear cousin and her man..

The one on the left is an eye pillow from another dear cousin and the book is from my Godparents. For some reason, I've not heard of the book but it is apparently a MUST READ. So read I shall.

An alarm clock slash air purifier. Just what I need for these toxic times!

One of the books that has been on my reading list but never had the time to get it. Now that I have it, I need to make the time to read it!

A box of heaven.. Just to let you all know, the chocolates ain't there anymore ;)

I also got a beautiful iPhone cover which I've immediately used (thanks Rens and Bunc!). The David Archuletta Christmas CD and exactly 9 bottles of wine!! Would have loved to take pics of all the bottles together but.. some are already empty.. Also received two damn delicious cakes and a pot of gorgeous red flowers (only Lord knows what their called)

All in all, it was a grand Christmas. I think I'm still glowing from it. Thank you all who made it special.

Let's continue to spread the love.

Merry Christmas!

empire state of mind

This is a story of a little fat girl who could ;)

Yesterday, I attended a dinner party with a theme. Everyone had to dress up and mingle and eat and drink and socialize. One of those events that you simply need to attend just to keep yourself current in the social calendar.

So anyway at this event, the aforementioned Little Fat Girl (LFG) was there in her most cutest outfit according to theme. And let me say that LFG was in her best PR mode. Now normally LFG would be the one in the background, the one everyone laughs at because of her size but mostly because of her face, the one everyone ignores but at this event, she was the hostess with the mostess. She kept checking on everyone's drinks. She kept topping up everyone's drinks. She made her rounds with each social group. She laughed. She posed. She was extremely social. A fact that I never knew she had in her. And I must admit that I was quite impressed with this sudden change of character.

Okay.. Maybe her newfound confidence was due to her recent weight loss. She's half of what she used to be. Hence her new nickname Little Fat Girl (LFG) or else I'd be calling her Big Fat Girl (BFG). And the more people responded to her, the more she seemed to glow. Her crowning moment came when she was awarded best dressed of the night. A gesture that shocked each and everyone of us who knew her. Many people were like, "That fat ass won the Best Dressed? Somewhere on earth, it's raining frogs" And some were like, "There must be some mistake, she probably bribed the judges" and yet there were some who were genuinely happy for her. I shall refrain from saying which group I belonged to.

All in all, I must say that LFG left a good impression on me. In her mind, I guess she told herself that even though this was not her event, she was gonna make an impression. I guess with a new look comes new confidence. And kudos to her for being brave and having a thick skin and shaking up people's perceptions!

You go LFG!

it's beginning to look alot like Christmas

It's that time of the year again, and everything around me exudes Christmas charm. Am damn excited for the season and I've got three more working days left and then I'm officially on leave!! Woohoo!!

I recently acquired a new position in my field and have been spending the last two weeks trying to adjust my body and my mind to this new position. It's quite a challenge but I'm pretty sure I'll rock this new post. Time, of course is NEVER on my side. So in between work and shopping for gifts, I also need to find time to work out, time to chill and time to surf. And also time to hang out with my peeps and time to make love ;) And 24 hours in a day is NEVER enough!

This year, I'm determined to make my Christmas as stress free as I can. And to just sit back and enjoy the chills of the season ;)

Merry Christmas in advance!

you belong with me

A few days ago, was at one of my regular mall hangouts with my sister and we stumbled upon a rummage sale. And for one brief moment, I had chills and goosebumps all over me. The word sale seems to have that effect on me. Worst if it's combined with rummage or warehouse. I literally have to calm myself down.

I love the adrenaline rush of it all. Choosing and digging and clawing your way through all the best bits and then arguing for that last piece of prize with some other 'sale struck fool'. Then lining up at the cashier who always seem to take forever regardless which line I'm in.

Anyway, after spending a small fortune at this particular rummage sale, we stumbled upon another on another floor. And we were like WOW. Spent another small fortune there. We ended buying so much things that we had to go back to the car to place all our well-spent money before finally doing what we came there to do in the first place - watch 2012. Which I really thought was a good movie. Sure, there were alot of cheesiness and wooden acting and damn predictable plots but I truly enjoyed it. I always loved disaster movies and this is like the motherload of all disaster movies. Seriously.

The rain nowadays here in KL have been a real damper on my mood and has put alot of social activities on hold. But I'm cool with it. Cos it has seriously cooled things down. It used to be damn hot during the days before the rain and now it's so much cooler and nicer. Just that going out in the evenings is always a hassle now.

My best friend Honeystar recently uploaded this old photo of us taken a few years ago in Perhentian Island and it brought back such sweet memories of summer sun and golden beaches and hot boys ;) Can't wait for summer 2010!

million dollar bill

I got stopped by a policeman a few days back because I expertly ran thru what was obviously a red light for me. I don't even know why I did it. I guess I just wasn't in the mood to sit around and wait while the light turned green when there were no other cars on that crossroad except me. Unfortunately, MrPoliceman did not seem to think I was being amusing and proceeded to lecture me and at the same time was about to start writing me a ticket.

I did what I normally did in times like this. I turned on the charm and I laid it on thick. I smiled, I winked, I touched his arm, I played the innocent card, I played the guilty card, I played every card I knew but the MrPoliceman was not being receptive to any of my charms which made me even more determined. I've charmed my way out of tickets so many times, it's almost impossible to count so there was no way I was gonna get a ticket this time just because this moron's skull was too thick.

Then it hit me. The reason why MrPoliceman was not being receptive was because he was adamant for a bribe! In fact, at first he kept hinting about it but after awhile he was being downright direct. Saying things like, 'Why don't you buy me coffee? Or why don't you pay for my dinner?'. And believe me, that was not an invitation for me to date him or anything like that. It was a blatant way of asking for a bribe. I was mortified. I don't do bribes. So I told him, 'You know what? Just give me the ticket. I'll pay the fine'. He was quite surprise by this and kept asking me if I was sure and if I could afford the large sum cos all it would take is a few ringgit to make it go away. This really pissed me and I repeated again to please just give me the ticket.

After much huffing and puffing and Lord know what else he was doing, I finally got the ticket. I rolled up my window and drove away. Paid the fine the next day and with this post I am putting that entire event behind me. Way too much corruption and moronic fools in our lives these days. Why give in to them?

baby can i hold you tonight

I have an insane crush on someone and I am finally coming to terms with it. The last time I had a crush this bad was eons ago. And I've totally forgotten how it feels.

It all started two days ago. He came over to say hi and we got to talking and we sort of hit it off automatically. But ours is a forbidden love so I doubt if anything will actually materialize from this crush which makes me think back to all my intense crushes of yesteryear. None of it actually had any physical outcome. I don't think I've ever had a crush that resulted in anything more than a crush. Normally time will ease the longings and make it easier to see the person and not want to jump on him :)

It's a nice feeling having a crush on someone. You think of all sorts of ways to touch your crushee, to make at least some sort of physical connection. You get tongue tied whenever your crushee is around. You want to sound interesting but somehow your thoughts and your tongue never make the connection. You want to act cool and nonchalant but that never happens. And the worst of it, is when you do something totally embarassing in front of your crushee. Not only do you want the earth to open and swallow you whole but you'll also want the earth to chew and grind you til you don't feel anything. Oh the humanity..

But I stand by my statement, it's a nice feeling to have a crush on someone. For those few precious moments, your world is elevated to a bubbly place where everything is shiny and perky. Sure, sometimes you won't be able to function properly and sometimes you act strangely and sometimes you forget what you're doing, but in the end the hope for love will always pull you through.

One consolation that I've discovered for myself is that I've become good friends with almost all the people I've had crushes on, boys and girls included. And maybe that is how I cope with the thought of knowing that I'll never be able to hold that person in the way that I want. Instead of going down the lovers road, perhaps it's better to go down the friends road. And then again, maybe crushes were never meant to be anything but that.

So here's to you my new crush. May we become good friends fast ;)

i want to know what love is

I sincerely believe that we as human beings must do everything we can to contribute and help each other whenever we can. If not for the betterment of mankind then do it for karma.

One of the hottest shopping malls near my place has recently started a Pink Campaign for the month of October where pledges are taken and the donations are forwarded for breast cancer research and also for helping women with breast cancer who can't afford treatment. Cancer affects everyone of us regardless if we are touched personally by the disease. And contrary to popular belief, breast cancer also affects men.

Mum and me recently signed up our pledges. If you happen to be in the neighbourhood, please walk over to BangsarVillage and do your part. Put the money in the box and sign your support. It doesn't take much effort and time. Do it for yourself and for the people around you. Life's too short to think twice.

Can you see my name on the board below?

For more info, click here pink. It's always nice to see an entire neighbourhood come together for a cause. It's even nicer when an entire nation comes together for a cause ;)

Another friend recently did her part too! Good on you girl!