you must love me

I've lost the passion to write.

I don't know how. I don't know why.

It explains why I've not been blogging or writing my usual stuff.

I need to find a reason to rejuvenate myself..

dumb dumb

I hate skinny people, especially when they say things like "Sometimes I forget to eat". Now, I've forgotten my mother's maiden name.. I've forgotten my car keys.. But you've got to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

gave it all away

To all the guys I've hurt.

To all the guys I've fucked with mentally.

To all the guys I played.

I'm sorry.

never forget

Pics from my ltest trip to Lang Tengah. Where time has no meaning and life is peaceful and tranquil. Went there with good friends and we laughed and enjoyed each other's company and renewed our friendship :)

ooh aah

Thought this was pretty funny :)

hey soul sister

I woke up yesterday to some very sad news. A good friend of mine gave up his life to the Almighty after months of battling an illness. For awhile my world just stopped moving.

It was so sudden. He was in and out of the hospital and I kept telling myself to go see him in the hospital but kept making excuses not to. Excuses like, 'he'll be out soon' and 'he'll be better soon'. But now it's too late to regret not going to see him and talking to him and relishing our friendship.

He was the kind of guy who ALWAYS had something fun to say and who always had abit of sound advise to share. He touched many with his golden heart and was respected because of his soul. He was such a kindred spirit who had a touch of bimboness in him.

I'll never forget the time i shared a room with him in Perth, we shopped til we dropped. I'll also never forget all the times we spent in Ikea and the few rare drinks we shared in cafes and bars. And all those times we made fun of people. He'd scold me for being so rude and then laugh about it and then scold me again and say it's not right to make fun of people. Those were good times. Very good times.

This sums up my feelings completely:

The times when we would play about, the way we used to scream and shout

We'd never dreamt you'd go your own sweet way
Look for the rainbow in every storm
Find out for certain, love is gonna be there for you
You'll always be someone's baby

Thank you so much my dear Azman Shah, my Ms Hoochie for all the love and for blessing me with your life. I'll always cherish you. Always.

rock that body

A few weeks ago, I was on the midnight bus on the way home. The bus was relatively empty and I took the window seat at the last row. The closest person to me was another guy at the window seat to my right (across the aisle). As usual, the moment I sat down I took out my iphone and started texting and facebooking.

Halfway thru the journey, when my fingers were getting tired, I decided to take a break and what did i find. The guy on the opposite side had his hand on his crotch. And it wasn't just on his crotch, he was rubbing his crotch. I was transfixed. Is he really doing what I think he's doing? The more I looked, the more obvious his rubbing became and pretty soon there was a big bulge in his jeans. I texted my friend AnnaK.

Me: Babe! The guy next to me is touchin himself!

AnnaK: OMG OMG OMG OMG! Eeew eew eeew!!

I looked at over again and this time he caught me looking at him and what did he do? HE unzipped himself and pulled his erect cock out and started rubbing himself. Slow and deliberately! All I could do was stare. I did not know what to do. Thank God for him, he was pretty proportionate. The more I looked the more he seemed to take pleasure in rubbing himself.

At this point, I thought to myself. Is there some kind of protocol that I'm supposed to be doing here? Should I show him my goods as well? Should I join him in a mutual jerk off? I didn't know what to do. All I could do was stare and be amazed at his brazenness. And before you know it, he cummed. Not a volcanic eruption but a thick dribble all over his hand. And what did he do? He just wiped himself on his jeans, packed himself back into his jeans and then looked out the window like nothing happened. Like NOTHING happened!

By this time we'd already reached the station and everyone was fumbling out of their seats. I get a text from AnnaK.

AnnaK: You should report him to the police!

Me: What police? Where am I gonna find a police at this hour?

I got up and he got up and was behind me as I was getting off the bus. I swore to myself if he even grazed my butt, I'd elbow his face. But he didn't.

SO I guess he just needed to get his rock off. The thing is, I didn't feel particularly traumatized or anything, just USED. The moron was definitely getting off on me. Ugh.. Is this how pornstars feel like? Men getting off on them?

What a bus ride.. ;)

california gurls

Sun. Sea. Sand.

Good friends.

Minimal clothes. Good food. Relaxing breeze.

What more can you ask for?

rude boy

A close friend of mine StoneGirl, has been married for sometime. She and her man have been in love even before I met her. And in my humble opinion, they are definitely made for each other. Often finishing each other's lines, they also quarrel like siblings. It feels like I've known her my whole life but in actual fact it's only been a few years. That's the kind of friend she is.

So anyway, she recently confided in me that she has fallen in love with someone else. At first I was shocked. I'm not into extra-marital affairs but I am into free love and living for the moment. SO when she told me about it, I didn't know how to react. But that was not the end of my shock. She then went on to tell me that she has fallen in love with a GIRL!! A girl. A girl with boobs and everything else. For as long as I've known her, StoneGirl has been as straight as an arrow. Never even engaging in fake girl-on-girl action in clubs, StoneGirl has always been a little bit boy crazy ;)

So for her to actually fall in love with another girl is kind of a BIG DEAL. And she asked me for advise and what did I tell her? I told her to go for it!! She's never explored this side of her and it's about time she did. I am not one to sit and give advise about thinking about marriage life and the future cos I am all about living for what you have now. So it's not surprising that I told her to pursue this affair.

I'm pretty sure she's nervous as hell about this. And I'm not sure what's the outcome yet but will definitely be there to hold her hand thru-out.

long hot summer

Why is it that whenever you want to hook up with someone and gonna declare your life to that person, a better hotter person comes along and expresses interest in you OR the person you've been longing for suddenly decides that they want you.

Seriously. Why?

true colours

I know of a group of people. Five of them to be exact. They each have their own qualities and attributes that make them stand out in a crowd. The least of this attributes being their looks.

Somehow, the five of them came together and became sort of a supergroup. They hang out together alot and discovered that they were each other's soulmate and missing links in the world. Each one of them brought something different to the group and together they laughed at the world around them.

They rule the social order. They determine what is in and what is not. Rival groups were formed and were aptly called The Rejects by them. Rival groups did their best to try and become the hottest thing on the block but failed miserably.

They host parties that become the talk of the season. They are the topic of much gossip. And it doesn't help to the unfortunate masses that most of them in this supergroup hold power positions in their jobs.

What worries me is this supergroup has become very sure of themselves. They know they are good and they could not care less what others think. Their ego has taken over their judgement. Now they laugh at almost everyone and everything that is not up to their level. They go against the social order if it's not to their liking. They know they are good looking and they are proud of it.

But this is not a case of GossipGirl or a case of 90210. This supergroup has nothing but immense love and respect for each other. There is no struggle for power within the group and there is no backstabbing. Drama of course is normal but at the end of the day, they just laugh it off.

In the end, even if the whole world turned against this supergroup, they wouldn't mind cos they have each other and they have their looks and they have their talents. This supergroup will survive.

causing a commotion

Recently, a friend of mine SMB had his photo taken without him knowing while he was sleeping. SMB is usually very composed and well put together so this photo really upset him cos it was not a flattering photo at all. From I heard, his mouth was gaping open with all his cavities and fillings on full display and the angle was the most disastrous angle ever. He did his best to try to get the offending photo deleted from the offender's blackberry. SMB even got his gf SCG to call the offender at well past midnight to delete the photo. I don't know what deal was reached but the offending photo was eventually deleted and peace came upon the land once again.

When I heard about this, memories of my own narrow escape with a nasty photo came back to me. It happened about a few months back. I fell asleep on the bus and the moron whom I had shared a bed with many many times thought it's be funny to take my pic and upload it on facebook. And let me tell you that it WAS THE MOST HORRID PIC OF ME that I had ever seen in my entire life. Nothing about it was nice. NOTHING. It was just nasty!! Ugh.. I get chills just thinking about it. And I am a person who takes photos and composure very seriously. So this really brought my world down. I had to do damage control. But instead of lashing out at him for doing what he did, I put my mind to work. What would work best? Blackmail him with some past secret? Threaten to end our friendship? Threaten him with bodily harm? Beg him? I had to do something to make sure he deleted the photo but what?

Finally i decided on emotional blackmail. It was my most biggest weapon at hand. So i laid it on. Saying how I've never hurt him and I've always cherished him and that I've always valued him and how could he do this to me? How could he hurt me in such a nasty way? Does he not care for me? I played the role of the wounded lover but with pride. I was not gonna beg ;)

And all my drama worked. Cos he not only removed the pic from facebook but deleted the original in front of me. Whew! Crisis avoided ;)

Some might be thinking what's the big deal about a bad photograph? Believe me when I say you have no idea how easy it is to destroy a person's reputation with a single photograph.

Cheers ;)

slave 4 u

This is a waaaaay overdue post. So here goes.

Last November, I made my way to Melbourne to watch my goddess Britney perform live in front of my eyes. And life has never been the same for me since then.

It was a damn short whirlwind trip. We barely had time to visit all of Melbourne cos our sole purpose was The Circus Starring Britney Spears. When we got to the immigrations in Australia, we were stopped twice by the officers and on both occasions when asked what we were doing in Australia, I just squealed "We're here to see Britney!" Which left all the officers quite amused and promptly let us thru ;)

What follows is a photo collage of Britney doing what she does best. In no particular order.

The entire stage, right before Britney took the stage
Womanizer..
The finale before she took her bow

The precious tickets which I've yet to frame up ;)

This is like an interlude between the songs where we got to witness a video montage

This is Everytime..

Me Against The Music with a Bollywood twist

She performed more songs from her Blackout album rather than her Circus album. Which is a good call cos the Blackout album is definitely her best to date.

I was blown away and had the time of my life. I was on an eternal high thruout the hour and a half and was still speechless the next day. One of my ultimate dreams finally came true ;)

Thanks to my dearest Nalini for making it possible and also to dear Sam for coming along for the fun!!

love never loved me

You can't break a heart that's already broken

You can't steal a heart that's already stolen

My greatest desire is to love and be loved

Cos I'm a believer I'm not giving up

And what doesn't kill me is making me strong

I'm waiting, I'm willing, I'm ready for love

if we ever meet again

Today I lost somebody.

He just left abruptly and I didn't say anything. I don't feel anything. I just feel numb.

Is it wrong to have loved somebody all your life and then find yourself falling out of love with that person? Is it wrong for that intense love to turn into hate? I don't know.

All I know is, I feel numb.

I hope to see him again. I really do. Cos I cannot imagine my life without him.

But this is life. And it will go on.

I'll love him always. Even though I've never said it.

three

Have you ever fucked two best friends without realizing they were best friends and without them even knowing that they've both slept with the same guy?

Let me elaborate.

About a month ago, I hooked up with this guy from work, Momma'sBoy. It was a definite casual thing. We both agreed that we saw each other solely as a piece of meat and nothing more. And it was fun. Except for the fact that Momma'sBoy had a thing for getting his toes suck. And not his big toe mind you. His little toes. Now let me state here that I don't suck toes. PERIOD. But this guy was literally begging me to do it. He even claimed that he can not cum without having his toes sucked. So there I was, him on his back, me straddling him, his legs up in the air and his feet/toes just about in front of me and I realized it was the moment of truth. Okay, to his defense, he had good feet. Almost as good as mine. They were nicely pedicured and his skin was definitely healthy looking with no dryness or calluses. But I just could not do it. Instead, it held on to his toes. I grasped his feet like one who normally grasp someone's hand. My fingers interlaced with his toes. And to my amazement, it did the job, it drove him to kingdom come :)

Okay..

A few days ago, I met up with his guy whom a mutual friend, BrownBanana said was definitely my kinda guy. And I'm like okay sure. So I met MrGreenEyed and we went for dinner and ended up at his place, naked. It was kind of a one sided thing, cos I was not interested in him in a sexual way but since I was horny, I thought why not. But MrGreenEyed seemed to be having the time of his life ;)

And yesterday, I discovered from BrownBanana that MrGreenEyed and Momma'sBoy have been best of friends for the past 5 or 6 years. They both met at a previous company and have been buddies since. And I'm like.. O. M. G.

And I'm thinking to myself, have they exchanged notes? Have they both decided that I'm a God damn son of a bitch since I never called them after that? I hate it when my past conquests have connections to each other. Maybe I should learn to get over that.

But what really intrigues me is this.. Cos I'm pretty certain they're not the kiss and tell types. So i'm sure they haven't told each other about me. And it's kind of funny. You and your best friend have slept with the same guy but you just don't know it.

Life is never dull ;)

straight thru my heart

Today I dropped my laptop.

I don't know how it happened or why it happened but it happened. One minute it was on the table, the next minute it was on the floor. And I swear to you, time stood still for at least two minutes. Nothing moved, no sound was heard anywhere, time literally stood still as I stood there looking at my poor poor baby on the cold hard marble floor.

Thank God, my baby is still in good working condition. Thank God, thank my lucky stars and thank all the angels in the world.

Not sure what I would do if I lost this baby. Probably go mad and go on another shopping spree.

walking on sunshine

Have you ever had one of those days that everything anyone does or doesn't do just irritates you? I don't know what gets me into these moods but I hate it cos it makes me become such a bitter person. And my total shiny outlook on life becomes this dark negative energy that just vibes onto everyone around me.

For instance, I passed this lady on the way to the post office yesterday and out of the blue she just smiles at me. Normally, I'd smile back but this time I just scowled at her. I thought to myself, what's her problem? Does she have some disorder that makes her want to smile to everyone she passes by. And then I passed another lady who didn't smile at me and I thought to myself 'what's that bitch's problem?' Would it kill her to smile?

Do you see the problem?

It's worst if I'm at work cos I'll run into SO MANY people and it is such a challenge holding my mouth shut and keeping my thoughts to myself. And as we all know, I rarely keep my thoughts to myself ;)

But I do know what instantly puts me into a good mood. Retail therapy. Always. Anywhere. Anytime.

And boy did I get alot of therapy yesterday! Spent a small fortune on books, a bag, toiletries, clothes and of course dinner ;)

Went to bed feeling on top of the world.

meet me halfway

It is utterly hard for me to believe that it is already the middle of January of 2010. I can still remember it being New Year's Day! Looking back at 2009, I realized I've accomplished alot and failed to accomplish a few things.

2009 was a year of super-indulgence for me. I gained so much weight, I did not color my hair (not even a patch of it), drank like a fish, kissed like a fool and spend money like it was confetti!

Am more than determined to get my life and myself back into control this year. Am gonna begin with a whole new lifestyle (truth be told, I've had a few false starts already), am gonna make myself save more money and am gonna make myself enjoy the simpler things in life.

In 2009, I learned that I am capable of tears. And that I am capable of having mental breakdowns. A very close friend lost his mum in 2009 and it broke my heart to see him so shattered. And it broke me down and made me become somebody I never knew I could become.

Another close friend got married and I got to play the best man to her wedding (my fourth role as best man). I remember being utterly nervous when I had to make my speech. I was practically shaking. But a few glasses of wine soon calmed me down.

In 2009, I finally stepped foot in Phuket with my soulmates and had a whirlwind tour of the beach paradise. I also made a return trip to Bali with a bunch of fabulous people and we rocked Bali to her knees!

One of my biggest dreams came true in 2009, I BUNGY JUMPED!! Flew right off and screamed all the way down!!! Amazingly mental! I remember thinking to myself, why oh why was I doing this, but life's too short to ponder on the questions. And off I went ;) I also crossed white water rafting off my to do list. And who can forget paint-ball with my cousins! Never again ;p

Two of the most extravagant buys of 2009 were my iPhone and my SonyVaio laptop. Both bought in the same month killing the economy of my life in a single unfolding of my wallet. But I have no regrets and both devices have brought me so much pleasure and fun.

My birthday in 2009 was celebrated with such madness of insanity that those who attended it are still talking about it until today ;) And I'll never forget the hangover of that night for as long as I'll live.

In 2009, I also got to see my goddess perform LIVE in front of me thanks to a very dear friend of mine who lives in Melbourne. I had goosebumps through-out the concert and told myself that life will never be the same for me.

And in 2009, I got to see, smell and feel LONDON. A life-long dream come true. I remember, as I was driving thru London, i got teary eyed looking at all the places that I've only read and dreamed about. Aaaahh..

2009 was a good year. But it's now time to officially close that chapter and welcome a whole new chapter. Am looking forward to this year. I'm gonna rediscover the person I was and take up new challenges. I'm determined to make the best of what is given to me. And I think everyone should too.

Happy New Year!

p/s: The pic above is a collage of all the wonderful events that took place in 2009.

three words

It was those three words that saved my life..