to love u more

Yesterday, I did a flight to a certain holiday destination. My stewardess friend was very keen on showing me her new prospect who was gonna be on this flight. She met him awhile ago when he was going to this holiday destination and they hit it off. He told her he would be coming back on last night's flight.

And she went on describing him and telling how she thinks he might be the one and I was happy for her. And I was looking forward to catching a glimpse of this guy. But during boarding things got so hectic and chaotic, that I seriously had to focus myself on my duties. And focus on all the hot guys that were boarding.

Then after service, she told me his seat number, and i went to casually have a look. My heart did a triple jump when he looked up and smiled at me. He was hot. Scruffy, lean, tanned. Cute. And familiar. Then it hit me. I slept with this guy about a year ago. The same time the realization hit me, it hit him too. Cos his smile changed into a shallow grin. I winked at him and walked off.

Throughout the 3 hours flight, my stewardess friend kept on talking to him and asked me to join them in conversation. And MR.HotBod was smiling and gesturing me to join them. And I kept asking myself, what is this guy's game? Was he genuinely interested in her? Of course, i've accepted the fact that I was nothing but a one night stand but here he was giving her all his charm. Did he turn straight?

She came to the back and asked me what i thought of him. I wanted to say "he's hot. he's cute. I approve. And oh by the way, i slept with him." But I couldn't. Her eyes were so Bambi like and full of hope. So instead i said, "Not bad. but i think u can do better". To which she smiled and told me he would have to do for now. Then Mr.HotBod comes to the back and charmingly slips himself into our convrsation. And I must admit it was nice talking to him. She did notice however that I couldn't stop touching him thru out the conversation. And it's true. My hand was in his chest, his shoulder, his belt. Dirty me. But that was it. Like any normal sane person, i cannot resist touching beautiful things. At the end of the flight, she told me she was gonna send him to his hotel. I told her to be a good girl and not stay over. She told me she wouldn't. And I trust her.

But wait! The drama doesn't end there. He slipped me his business card on the way out! What the crap?! I threw it of course. Stupid fella. If this had happened a few months ago, i definitely would have slept with him again. But no more.

I so want to tell her but the thought of seeing her face and hope destroyed would not be a happy thing. Besides, what was he thinking? Hopeless guy. I don't get all this weird men. And believe you me, this is not the first time. Most of the time, I just keep my mouth shut when the girls insist that their guy is straight. Better to dream and fly than to crash.

there are worst things i could do

This fits me to a T. The first time I heard it, i really cried and cried. It touched and affected me cos i could relate to it and her character. I told myself, this song is about me. And even after years, it still affects me. Just thought I'd share this.

There are worst things i could do

Than go with a boy, or two

Even though the neighbourhood thinks im trashy and no good

I suppose it could be true

But there are worst things i could do

I could flirt with all the guys

Smile at them and bat my eyes

Press against them when we dance

Make them think they stand a chance

Then refuse to see it through

That's a thing id never do

I could stay home every night

Wait around for Mister Right

Take cold showers every day

And throw my life away

On a dream that wont come true

I could hurt someone like me

Out of spite or jealousy

I dont steal and i dont lie

But i can feel and I can cry

A fact ill bet you never knew

But to cry in front of you..

Thats the worst thing i could do.

perhaps perhaps

Hi all.

How I've missed doing this. How I've missed the passion that used to drive me. It's weird. For the past few weeks, I have been under the covers of sorrow. Being hugged by depression. And it seemed like I could never come back from that dark place I spiralled into. Everything went wrong. It was one thing after another. Lady Karma kept on bitch slapping me over and over. It was insane. I was insane. I hated myself. I hated the world. I hated everything. It took me awhile but I'm slowly climbing back out into the spotlight that I belong.

I've decided that I cannot go back to that place. I needed to make drastic changes in my life. And I have. I'm gonna try to control that wild instrument I call my tongue. I'm gonna try and keep my nastiness to myself. I believe the world is nasty enough. All this negativity ain't doing anybody any good.

And if Paris Hilton can do it, why can't I? No.. I'm not coming out with my own music album. I've decided to become celibate. At least for awhile. I think that part of my life has become almost too easy and after sleeping with i think almost 1000 men (ok.. maybe not 1000, more like 800 something give or take.. ) and that's only counting all the ones I remember! So i'm giving it a whirl. It's been 2 weeks thus far and I'm doing pretty good. I don't miss it all that much actually. But it's a challenge keeping myself in my pants and my lips to myself.

So, yes people of the world, i'm coming back out. With a different light. Thanks to all the stars who kept shining by me esp PY and Nalini.

Always shining!